Wow it's been a long time since I've written anything. This is likely to be a dark blog so you have been warned. To be honest I am not writing this to fill anybody in as I just want to forget the last 6 months. So here it is in a nutshell:
Left wife, emotional hell, sorted now (a bit anyway), see kids enough, have lovely house, started divorce proceedings even dated a bit.
So there we go 6 months summed up in twenty or so words.
Anyway now other things have taken up my thoughts. Very personal things. But the problem is they are on my thoughts all the time. I am not dealing with it well. In fact the only way to deal with it seems to be through a strange obsession with hurting myself. I'm not talking about physical self harming more emotional harm o onesself.
My entire set of beautiful photography equipment, I'm getting rid of it on a whim. There is a lot of interest in it and it will be gone in the next few days. I now don't want to be reminded of photography at all and I don't want to be in possession of something material I love so much. I need to get rid of it.
I have seen a teaching job in Saudi Arabia. Now this is not your normal job as it has more a charitable focus serving several communities who don't have access to education. A Kiwi (New Zealand) school in the Middle East. I have a first interview for it tonight and I am finding it impossible to say no to doing it despite warnings being fired off left right and centre from friends, family and from my own mind.
When I was 17 I saw a beautiful film where a man on a personal journey, and who had just left his wife, goes to work for charity in a Kibbutz for 6 months (oh my word I actually spelt that right - go me!!!).
He meets someone, someone at that 'soul mate' level. He has the agonising decision at the end of the film as he is supposed to be going home and leaving her as she would be 4000 miles away. In the end after much soul searching he stays to be with her, leaving his past life behind. Very beautiful and this story is often on my mind. Thus my almost concrete belief in soul mates.
Anyway. I realised I am doing the opposite. Running away to a (slightly dangerous perhaps) foreign county as a means of coping with what has gone on, what has been lost, what could have been.
I just need people to know I can't help it. I am trying to get control of this situation but I can't.
Anyway there you go.
