Running Away

Wow it's been a long time since I've written anything. This is likely to be a dark blog so you have been warned. To be honest I am not writing this to fill anybody in as I just want to forget the last 6 months. So here it is in a nutshell:

Left wife, emotional hell, sorted now (a bit anyway), see kids enough, have lovely house, started divorce proceedings even dated a bit.

So there we go 6 months summed up in twenty or so words.

Anyway now other things have taken up my thoughts. Very personal things. But the problem is they are on my thoughts all the time. I am not dealing with it well. In fact the only way to deal with it seems to be through a strange obsession with hurting myself. I'm not talking about physical self harming more emotional harm o onesself.

My entire set of beautiful photography equipment, I'm getting rid of it on a whim. There is a lot of interest in it and it will be gone in the next few days. I now don't want to be reminded of photography at all and I don't want to be in possession of something material I love so much. I need to get rid of it.

I have seen a teaching job in Saudi Arabia. Now this is not your normal job as it has more a charitable focus serving several communities who don't have access to education. A Kiwi (New Zealand) school in the Middle East. I have a first interview for it tonight and I am finding it impossible to say no to doing it despite warnings being fired off left right and centre from friends, family and from my own mind.

When I was 17 I saw a beautiful film where a man on a personal journey, and who had just left his wife, goes to work for charity in a Kibbutz for 6 months (oh my word I actually spelt that right - go me!!!).

He meets someone, someone at that 'soul mate' level. He has the agonising decision at the end of the film as he is supposed to be going home and leaving her as she would be 4000 miles away. In the end after much soul searching he stays to be with her, leaving his past life behind. Very beautiful and this story is often on my mind. Thus my almost concrete belief in soul mates.

Anyway. I realised I am doing the opposite. Running away to a (slightly dangerous perhaps) foreign county as a means of coping with what has gone on, what has been lost, what could have been.

I just need people to know I can't help it. I am trying to get control of this situation but I can't.

Anyway there you go.

A short sentence about flat hunting

Found a lovely flat with bare floorboards and unfurnished near the Tram Stop in Manchester (in case the car ever breaks down). Ever since watching Truly Madly Deeply, my fav film of all time, I have always wanted a flat like this. I am absolutely crapping myself about this whole situation btw. Might not have this flat but the looking has started.

Interesting note to self: Not after anyone else. Feels good to be leaving for my own personal reasons and not 'another woman'.

Note to self: continue crapping onesself

Time to go I think...

First post in ages. Since I posted last my Mother in Law has sadly passed away. One minute she was bright as a button, the next, passed away due to stomach cancer. She died peacefully with her friend and family around her.

I have to admit I could not fault my wife in those final 3 weeks. She was loving, caring, bathing and looking after her mum during those difficult times. I saw a different side of her.

A few days ago I recorded onto CD all my wife's mums answer phone messages onto a CD for my wife. During this time I listened to every love filled message that her mum sent to her. There were perhaps about 200 since January.

Herein lies my issue.... my wife painted this picture of her mum being a nag, demanding and hard to talk to and deal with. As a result she often stayed away from her, unless.... she wanted something like money or a present. There were a fair amount of these from her mum I know this for a fact. Some of her mums messages said this, I deleted these and did not put them on the CD. Then the next message would be loving and tender again. A lot though were about missed promises of a visit or getting something from a shop. An underlying feeling of sadness in her.

It never really added up to me, I said to my wife on many an occasion that she should make the most of her mum as she would not be around forever.

I was the one who took the kids to see her each fortnight. My wife rarely went and never took the grandkids to see her. Again, she seemed to only go when she wanted something. She continued with her harsh criticisms for the last several months.

Anyway now I have listened to the recordings I am deeply shocked at the side my wife seemed to paint of her mum. It seems to be sooo wrong. I know she was there in the final 3 weeks, I know she is grieving the loss of her mum.... but I cannot help but be concerned with what I believe the previous situation was.

In fact..... with many other things included.... I have realised I don't like the person I am married to at all. Just before my MIL became ill I was just about to leave.... all that changed with the emotions and closeness that comes with a loss like this. However, for me the emotions are now subsiding and.... I sadly realise I am back in the same situation before it all started, with the same feelings. it appears I just have more evidence for my feelings to be the way they are.

The Happy Panda

Here is a lovely picture of a Panda as my mind is not quite so happy at the moment... and it sort of compensates in a way for the negative nature of my blog thus far.

Having believed I have made up my mind to leave I am starting to put some strategies in place. As what I want to do is so serious in my mind I also have backup strategies in place! So the first thing is to get a good job and get a large salary again. So my first thought is to get back to the high paying job so that at the very least I can give my OH a good allowance and at least compensate in a small way for leaving her.


I am not keen on going back to long hours and management again but I am very qualified for this and it would be a means to an end for the next few years at least until the store has established itself.


There are odd tinges of nervous excitement about being single again. Strangely the biggest thing on my mind however is my wife's ability to cope without me. I know this sounds very arrogant. Tonight after a full day at work I took the kids to the park, fed them, washed up, tidied, did more washing read them stories and put them to bed. You would have thought the thought of being free from all this work cheers me up but in reality I am scared how my wife will cope when she suddenly finds herself having to do it all herself.


I hate being angry with her, well not angry but disappointed. I want to think.... well she can now make up for the last 13 years of leaving me to do it all! But my mind does not work like that and just feels plain old guilty about leaving her in the lurch and ruining her life.


Anyway, I might have, well I should have, this job interview in the next few weeks at a lovely high performing school. If I get the job this will change everything, give me many more options so I'll just focus on that for now.

Oh my God it's a disaster!

For the last 2-3 weeks I've had a big change of heart. My wife has noticed a difference and said how amazing our marriage has been.


However in the last few days negative thoughts have crept into my mind again and I'm trying to fight them.


Here is a DM twitter conversation I had with a friend today that sums its up.


ME: I have perhaps come the the realisation I care for but do not love my wife... the seriousness of it all has stopped me x


FRIEND: So are you still living with her?


ME: Yes. Trying sooo hard as well :(


FRIEND: Is she trying too?


ME: Yes genuinely. But it.... is not enough perhaps. It comes down to loving vs caring I think.


FRIEND: In what way?


ME: I have got to point where she is more proactive. But I always have to tell her what to do as lists.


ME: I want her to make me a cup of tea like other wives do. Not because I have asked her. Just once btw the last few weeks.


ME: Plus I think about Karen all the time. Thinking of another woman must surely mean I do not really love my wife perhaps? x


FRIEND: Not necessarily. Believe me. X


ME: Anyway going for a good job in a few weeks again. Money means I'll have the freedom to choose again :o


ME: Like now. I fed everyone for lunch after working 4 hours at the store but I am starving. I have to cook myself something.


ME: I hate that she has not asked me if I am hungry. She just said yes when I also offered her a cup of coffee.


ME: But she is proud of the fact she showered our daughter today by herself. Should I be proud of her when my mind rants Is This It?


ME: She rarely baths or showers them you see.10-12 times since we've had them!


ME: Anyway. I'm very confused. Sorry. Friends say I am in a mentally abusive relationship but need my abuser! This confuses me further.


ME: I simply cannot see this as true. But then they say this confirms this further. Lol


FRIEND: Oh sweetheart you are in a pickle! I do think you are in a very unhealthy relationship. It is not right at all that you are so badly


FRIEND: Treated and under valued. You deserve to be happy. We only get one life x


ME: Anyway. The job I am going for would open a great many doors and mean I could give her and the kids good financial support as well.


ME: It would be hard work with the store and all in the evenings but hey ho. I want to get myself into this job to free up possible pathways :0


ME: Anyway I am starving. Would you bake me a cookie? ;)


ME: x


Anyhoo, I hope my friend does not mind me posting our conversation like this. But it sums up where I am up to. So I'll find out in a few weeks if I have this well paid job in the next few weeks and then I'll take it from there.

My Head of Department today

My lovely Head of Department who I deeply respect is lovely. Have I mentioned the word lovely. I deeply respect her and her opinion. Anyway back in school today so spoke to her.

Anyway I said today I have some news to tell her and she immediately said.... 'You're leaving your wife'

Creepy!

Then she went on to tell me that I should from what she knows about her. Gradually getting more stressed about this to be honest.

A rare moment of contentedness

Today, in fact last night, the anger and resent suddenly disappeared from my thoughts and I felt a warmness towards my wife that I have not felt in years.

Maybe the process of writing this blog is starting to heal old wounds and give my mind a bit of perspective.

Trying to cut down ky twitter usage as well. Maybe this is helping.