Oh my God it's a disaster!

For the last 2-3 weeks I've had a big change of heart. My wife has noticed a difference and said how amazing our marriage has been.


However in the last few days negative thoughts have crept into my mind again and I'm trying to fight them.


Here is a DM twitter conversation I had with a friend today that sums its up.


ME: I have perhaps come the the realisation I care for but do not love my wife... the seriousness of it all has stopped me x


FRIEND: So are you still living with her?


ME: Yes. Trying sooo hard as well :(


FRIEND: Is she trying too?


ME: Yes genuinely. But it.... is not enough perhaps. It comes down to loving vs caring I think.


FRIEND: In what way?


ME: I have got to point where she is more proactive. But I always have to tell her what to do as lists.


ME: I want her to make me a cup of tea like other wives do. Not because I have asked her. Just once btw the last few weeks.


ME: Plus I think about Karen all the time. Thinking of another woman must surely mean I do not really love my wife perhaps? x


FRIEND: Not necessarily. Believe me. X


ME: Anyway going for a good job in a few weeks again. Money means I'll have the freedom to choose again :o


ME: Like now. I fed everyone for lunch after working 4 hours at the store but I am starving. I have to cook myself something.


ME: I hate that she has not asked me if I am hungry. She just said yes when I also offered her a cup of coffee.


ME: But she is proud of the fact she showered our daughter today by herself. Should I be proud of her when my mind rants Is This It?


ME: She rarely baths or showers them you see.10-12 times since we've had them!


ME: Anyway. I'm very confused. Sorry. Friends say I am in a mentally abusive relationship but need my abuser! This confuses me further.


ME: I simply cannot see this as true. But then they say this confirms this further. Lol


FRIEND: Oh sweetheart you are in a pickle! I do think you are in a very unhealthy relationship. It is not right at all that you are so badly


FRIEND: Treated and under valued. You deserve to be happy. We only get one life x


ME: Anyway. The job I am going for would open a great many doors and mean I could give her and the kids good financial support as well.


ME: It would be hard work with the store and all in the evenings but hey ho. I want to get myself into this job to free up possible pathways :0


ME: Anyway I am starving. Would you bake me a cookie? ;)


ME: x


Anyhoo, I hope my friend does not mind me posting our conversation like this. But it sums up where I am up to. So I'll find out in a few weeks if I have this well paid job in the next few weeks and then I'll take it from there.