The Happy Panda

Here is a lovely picture of a Panda as my mind is not quite so happy at the moment... and it sort of compensates in a way for the negative nature of my blog thus far.

Having believed I have made up my mind to leave I am starting to put some strategies in place. As what I want to do is so serious in my mind I also have backup strategies in place! So the first thing is to get a good job and get a large salary again. So my first thought is to get back to the high paying job so that at the very least I can give my OH a good allowance and at least compensate in a small way for leaving her.


I am not keen on going back to long hours and management again but I am very qualified for this and it would be a means to an end for the next few years at least until the store has established itself.


There are odd tinges of nervous excitement about being single again. Strangely the biggest thing on my mind however is my wife's ability to cope without me. I know this sounds very arrogant. Tonight after a full day at work I took the kids to the park, fed them, washed up, tidied, did more washing read them stories and put them to bed. You would have thought the thought of being free from all this work cheers me up but in reality I am scared how my wife will cope when she suddenly finds herself having to do it all herself.


I hate being angry with her, well not angry but disappointed. I want to think.... well she can now make up for the last 13 years of leaving me to do it all! But my mind does not work like that and just feels plain old guilty about leaving her in the lurch and ruining her life.


Anyway, I might have, well I should have, this job interview in the next few weeks at a lovely high performing school. If I get the job this will change everything, give me many more options so I'll just focus on that for now.

Oh my God it's a disaster!

For the last 2-3 weeks I've had a big change of heart. My wife has noticed a difference and said how amazing our marriage has been.


However in the last few days negative thoughts have crept into my mind again and I'm trying to fight them.


Here is a DM twitter conversation I had with a friend today that sums its up.


ME: I have perhaps come the the realisation I care for but do not love my wife... the seriousness of it all has stopped me x


FRIEND: So are you still living with her?


ME: Yes. Trying sooo hard as well :(


FRIEND: Is she trying too?


ME: Yes genuinely. But it.... is not enough perhaps. It comes down to loving vs caring I think.


FRIEND: In what way?


ME: I have got to point where she is more proactive. But I always have to tell her what to do as lists.


ME: I want her to make me a cup of tea like other wives do. Not because I have asked her. Just once btw the last few weeks.


ME: Plus I think about Karen all the time. Thinking of another woman must surely mean I do not really love my wife perhaps? x


FRIEND: Not necessarily. Believe me. X


ME: Anyway going for a good job in a few weeks again. Money means I'll have the freedom to choose again :o


ME: Like now. I fed everyone for lunch after working 4 hours at the store but I am starving. I have to cook myself something.


ME: I hate that she has not asked me if I am hungry. She just said yes when I also offered her a cup of coffee.


ME: But she is proud of the fact she showered our daughter today by herself. Should I be proud of her when my mind rants Is This It?


ME: She rarely baths or showers them you see.10-12 times since we've had them!


ME: Anyway. I'm very confused. Sorry. Friends say I am in a mentally abusive relationship but need my abuser! This confuses me further.


ME: I simply cannot see this as true. But then they say this confirms this further. Lol


FRIEND: Oh sweetheart you are in a pickle! I do think you are in a very unhealthy relationship. It is not right at all that you are so badly


FRIEND: Treated and under valued. You deserve to be happy. We only get one life x


ME: Anyway. The job I am going for would open a great many doors and mean I could give her and the kids good financial support as well.


ME: It would be hard work with the store and all in the evenings but hey ho. I want to get myself into this job to free up possible pathways :0


ME: Anyway I am starving. Would you bake me a cookie? ;)


ME: x


Anyhoo, I hope my friend does not mind me posting our conversation like this. But it sums up where I am up to. So I'll find out in a few weeks if I have this well paid job in the next few weeks and then I'll take it from there.

My Head of Department today

My lovely Head of Department who I deeply respect is lovely. Have I mentioned the word lovely. I deeply respect her and her opinion. Anyway back in school today so spoke to her.

Anyway I said today I have some news to tell her and she immediately said.... 'You're leaving your wife'

Creepy!

Then she went on to tell me that I should from what she knows about her. Gradually getting more stressed about this to be honest.

A rare moment of contentedness

Today, in fact last night, the anger and resent suddenly disappeared from my thoughts and I felt a warmness towards my wife that I have not felt in years.

Maybe the process of writing this blog is starting to heal old wounds and give my mind a bit of perspective.

Trying to cut down ky twitter usage as well. Maybe this is helping.

Where is all my stuff?

All my things are now in the storage unit. I don't have much except for some much loved CDs and books and a few other personal items.

Things so far are on a high and I feel good about my plans. I have underlying tensions but generally it's positive.

Anyway I could technically leave tomorrow now just taking a few clothes with me. Scary stuff!