A short sentence about flat hunting

Found a lovely flat with bare floorboards and unfurnished near the Tram Stop in Manchester (in case the car ever breaks down). Ever since watching Truly Madly Deeply, my fav film of all time, I have always wanted a flat like this. I am absolutely crapping myself about this whole situation btw. Might not have this flat but the looking has started.

Interesting note to self: Not after anyone else. Feels good to be leaving for my own personal reasons and not 'another woman'.

Note to self: continue crapping onesself

Time to go I think...

First post in ages. Since I posted last my Mother in Law has sadly passed away. One minute she was bright as a button, the next, passed away due to stomach cancer. She died peacefully with her friend and family around her.

I have to admit I could not fault my wife in those final 3 weeks. She was loving, caring, bathing and looking after her mum during those difficult times. I saw a different side of her.

A few days ago I recorded onto CD all my wife's mums answer phone messages onto a CD for my wife. During this time I listened to every love filled message that her mum sent to her. There were perhaps about 200 since January.

Herein lies my issue.... my wife painted this picture of her mum being a nag, demanding and hard to talk to and deal with. As a result she often stayed away from her, unless.... she wanted something like money or a present. There were a fair amount of these from her mum I know this for a fact. Some of her mums messages said this, I deleted these and did not put them on the CD. Then the next message would be loving and tender again. A lot though were about missed promises of a visit or getting something from a shop. An underlying feeling of sadness in her.

It never really added up to me, I said to my wife on many an occasion that she should make the most of her mum as she would not be around forever.

I was the one who took the kids to see her each fortnight. My wife rarely went and never took the grandkids to see her. Again, she seemed to only go when she wanted something. She continued with her harsh criticisms for the last several months.

Anyway now I have listened to the recordings I am deeply shocked at the side my wife seemed to paint of her mum. It seems to be sooo wrong. I know she was there in the final 3 weeks, I know she is grieving the loss of her mum.... but I cannot help but be concerned with what I believe the previous situation was.

In fact..... with many other things included.... I have realised I don't like the person I am married to at all. Just before my MIL became ill I was just about to leave.... all that changed with the emotions and closeness that comes with a loss like this. However, for me the emotions are now subsiding and.... I sadly realise I am back in the same situation before it all started, with the same feelings. it appears I just have more evidence for my feelings to be the way they are.

The Happy Panda

Here is a lovely picture of a Panda as my mind is not quite so happy at the moment... and it sort of compensates in a way for the negative nature of my blog thus far.

Having believed I have made up my mind to leave I am starting to put some strategies in place. As what I want to do is so serious in my mind I also have backup strategies in place! So the first thing is to get a good job and get a large salary again. So my first thought is to get back to the high paying job so that at the very least I can give my OH a good allowance and at least compensate in a small way for leaving her.


I am not keen on going back to long hours and management again but I am very qualified for this and it would be a means to an end for the next few years at least until the store has established itself.


There are odd tinges of nervous excitement about being single again. Strangely the biggest thing on my mind however is my wife's ability to cope without me. I know this sounds very arrogant. Tonight after a full day at work I took the kids to the park, fed them, washed up, tidied, did more washing read them stories and put them to bed. You would have thought the thought of being free from all this work cheers me up but in reality I am scared how my wife will cope when she suddenly finds herself having to do it all herself.


I hate being angry with her, well not angry but disappointed. I want to think.... well she can now make up for the last 13 years of leaving me to do it all! But my mind does not work like that and just feels plain old guilty about leaving her in the lurch and ruining her life.


Anyway, I might have, well I should have, this job interview in the next few weeks at a lovely high performing school. If I get the job this will change everything, give me many more options so I'll just focus on that for now.

Oh my God it's a disaster!

For the last 2-3 weeks I've had a big change of heart. My wife has noticed a difference and said how amazing our marriage has been.


However in the last few days negative thoughts have crept into my mind again and I'm trying to fight them.


Here is a DM twitter conversation I had with a friend today that sums its up.


ME: I have perhaps come the the realisation I care for but do not love my wife... the seriousness of it all has stopped me x


FRIEND: So are you still living with her?


ME: Yes. Trying sooo hard as well :(


FRIEND: Is she trying too?


ME: Yes genuinely. But it.... is not enough perhaps. It comes down to loving vs caring I think.


FRIEND: In what way?


ME: I have got to point where she is more proactive. But I always have to tell her what to do as lists.


ME: I want her to make me a cup of tea like other wives do. Not because I have asked her. Just once btw the last few weeks.


ME: Plus I think about Karen all the time. Thinking of another woman must surely mean I do not really love my wife perhaps? x


FRIEND: Not necessarily. Believe me. X


ME: Anyway going for a good job in a few weeks again. Money means I'll have the freedom to choose again :o


ME: Like now. I fed everyone for lunch after working 4 hours at the store but I am starving. I have to cook myself something.


ME: I hate that she has not asked me if I am hungry. She just said yes when I also offered her a cup of coffee.


ME: But she is proud of the fact she showered our daughter today by herself. Should I be proud of her when my mind rants Is This It?


ME: She rarely baths or showers them you see.10-12 times since we've had them!


ME: Anyway. I'm very confused. Sorry. Friends say I am in a mentally abusive relationship but need my abuser! This confuses me further.


ME: I simply cannot see this as true. But then they say this confirms this further. Lol


FRIEND: Oh sweetheart you are in a pickle! I do think you are in a very unhealthy relationship. It is not right at all that you are so badly


FRIEND: Treated and under valued. You deserve to be happy. We only get one life x


ME: Anyway. The job I am going for would open a great many doors and mean I could give her and the kids good financial support as well.


ME: It would be hard work with the store and all in the evenings but hey ho. I want to get myself into this job to free up possible pathways :0


ME: Anyway I am starving. Would you bake me a cookie? ;)


ME: x


Anyhoo, I hope my friend does not mind me posting our conversation like this. But it sums up where I am up to. So I'll find out in a few weeks if I have this well paid job in the next few weeks and then I'll take it from there.

My Head of Department today

My lovely Head of Department who I deeply respect is lovely. Have I mentioned the word lovely. I deeply respect her and her opinion. Anyway back in school today so spoke to her.

Anyway I said today I have some news to tell her and she immediately said.... 'You're leaving your wife'

Creepy!

Then she went on to tell me that I should from what she knows about her. Gradually getting more stressed about this to be honest.

A rare moment of contentedness

Today, in fact last night, the anger and resent suddenly disappeared from my thoughts and I felt a warmness towards my wife that I have not felt in years.

Maybe the process of writing this blog is starting to heal old wounds and give my mind a bit of perspective.

Trying to cut down ky twitter usage as well. Maybe this is helping.

Where is all my stuff?

All my things are now in the storage unit. I don't have much except for some much loved CDs and books and a few other personal items.

Things so far are on a high and I feel good about my plans. I have underlying tensions but generally it's positive.

Anyway I could technically leave tomorrow now just taking a few clothes with me. Scary stuff!

Flying beans and plates

Reading the last 3 posts it makes it sound like I am always grumpy and angry towards my wife all the time. I need to clarify there is only one thing that really upsets me. But when i do get this upset it has a long lasting affect on me.


2 weeks ago I was up early, working at the computer having already dropped the kids off a their day club. This was when my wife was not helping with the washing up, cooking or washing. I am contended and accepting. This is the way things are. Genuinely.


At about 11am with the OH still in bed I realised I felt very dizzy. I normally don't eat breakfast so this was a bit unusual. By 11.30 I realised I really had to eat something. However.....


I know my wife very well. I I were to eat something without offering her something life becomes quite hard. She is used to me offering her something first. So these are the exact things that went through my mind...


'Yikes.... I am hungry and feel ill.... but I need to offer OH something first or she'll complain or say those ususal So you made yourself something to eat did you?'


'She is still asleep.... should I have these beans on toast now or wait until she gets up and offer her something'


'But I'm too hungry.... I never do this but perhaps I should eat something before I pass out and hope she doesn't wake up'


'It's too risky.... I better wake her up and get her something to eat first.... now where's that left over chinese that she would like perhaps'


'Oh yikes.... can't find the left overs.... better cook her some proper lunch.... ooooh but that will take time and I really feel feint!'


So..... taking a risk I cooked myself some Beans on Toast with a treat of lots of butter.....and took a mouthful.... then....


Down comes the wife quietly, down the stairs. 'Fuck' I thought I got it wrong. Anyway she hovers looking at me. 'So you made yourself something to eat did you?' She says. Well last time she said this she promised me she was only joking and that i should lighten up and enjoy the joke. Well having tried to find these types of questioning jokes funny in the past we have always ended up arguing, but for once.... just once I'm going to take her at face value and and assume she is only joking with me.


She then says again 'So you made yourself something to eat did you?'  I said yes and that I felt feint so I really had to eat something. She said 'it would have been nice to offer me something first'


Anyway we start to go back an forth for about 3-4 minutes about this situation. She then says 'Don't you be getting angry at me because of something you KNOW you have done wrong' Anyway I flip and throw my treasured plate of beans on toast with extra butter down on the floor which shatters into dozen of pieces.


I proceed to storm out the door which I have never done before. She blocks the door and says I can't walk out for something that is clearly my fault.


Anyway. 5 minutes of arguing later on this occasion I give in an just hug her and this calms her down.


We have discussed this a couple of times since then and she still feels it is 50% my fault this argument. To me this is irrelevant. It makes me sad that I have to go through several things before I ever risk cooking for myself again before I've fed others first. The irony is that my wife has only cooked for me 3 times since knowing her for 13 years.


We had a similar argument months before we first split up. Over a drink with a friend. When he asked me a dozen things went through my head of how to handle my OH about this. In the end I left it as 'I'll get back to you I need to talk to my OH first'. She still went mad at me. Reducing me to sobs in the corner of the kitchen. She said I should have asked her before I contemplated talking about going out for drinks with a friend.


It seems wierd writing about this now. Because at the moment, since she has sensed I was thinking of leaving again, she is being as nice as pie. It has confused me.

Reasons to leave my wife

My wife has rarely done any housework. And I mean rarely. In 13 years of being together she has cooked for me 3 times and made me about 14 cups of tea. She is very controlling, once making me sob because I had said I was going out for a drink with a friend without talking it through with her first properly. She went mad at me.


I try and convince myself she has a heart of gold. She is very persuading.


You know I think about this hundreds of times a day.... I have always thought that if I left her (again) I would use the above as excuses as part of my reasoning. But yesterday I realised that if I left again, this time for good, I would just keep it at 'because I don't love you like that anymore'. It might seem simple to everyone reading but this is a big breakthrough for me.

Who is Karen?

3 years ago my wife became literally unbearable. She shouted, was moody and left me to do literally everything around the house. To make matters worse she shouted at me for 'not doing my jobs properly'like putting the wrong colours in the washing machine. To sum it up she shouted once 'I know I don't do any jobs but if I did at least I would do them properly!!!'

She has always been difficult and notoriously lazy. I could handle that but the one thing I could not handle was being shouted out for trying my best at things.

Anyway during that time I discovered Twitter. I began talking to a woman call Karen. I did not notice her at first but she came onto me, payed me compliments, said I was funny and I looked a bit closer. Looking at her photographs I saw how beautiful she was. Well she was too me.

Over the next few months she was going to try and come and live in Manchester from Cape Town . However she could not in the end get a Visa so it all fell through. We stayed very close for the next few months and then it ended. Quite suddenly. I was devestated.

Anyway.... to cut a long story short I am still in love with Karen. I think about her dozens of times a day.... sometimes all the time.

3rd Attempt

I have started and deleted 2 other blogs now. This matter is so important to me it has taken until now to work out what it is I want from the title. I guess it is important to everyone who writes a blog given that some many other titles are taken when you check the availability.


It is nice, I have to say, to start this blog when my mind feels clear of all the turmoil that goes on every second of every day. Well turmoil is a bit harsh perhaps... perhaps a word a simple as busyness would be more appropriate. My mind is pondering, thinking every minute of every day. Despite being married I think and dream about being with Karen about 30-40 times a day.